Thursday, August 4, 2011

Lindsey Buckingham sang it best

It is a freaking long way down the holiday road.

At about 11PM last night, BG and I returned from the beach with a van full of exhausted children. We set out Saturday for a beach adventure. Some people laughed and pointed. Some cried for us. "You're going to drive about 7 hours with four kids for a trip to the Gulf?" Yes. Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. And, honestly, the kids were the best part. 

The following events took place, save for one. See if you can guess!

--We were in a wreck three hours into the drive

--Since it was Saturday, there were no repair shops open, so we drove four more hours without air conditioning

--The littlest G almost had heat stroke and had to be iced down in a McD's bathroom

--When we arrived at the condo, the "skywalk" from the parking garage to the condo-proper was without A/C

--Aaaaand one of the two elevators was down

--We waited an hour for the functional elevator

--Seventeen floors up, our friends met us with their two kids, who had both started running fever and had developed croupy coughs

--We went down all those flights of stairs to get to the pool that first night because there was just no way we were waiting another hour on the G family's "quest for fun" <--Clark Griswold

--Something at the beach bit me (miracle of miracles, with my luck, it wasn't a shark), and that bite is now festering and infected... Er, sorry for the disgusting imagery

--Back in the room for dinner, I burned myself on a pot of boiling pasta

--When my friend and I returned to the condo after a grocery run, we were nearly attacked by a mutant hermit crab scurrying around the [single working] elevator

--^This was after our friends were bullied by a real-live pirate

--^^OK, so not a PIRATE, but he had an eye patch and said "Arrrrrgh" while shuffling past them in line for elevator access

--These same friends got no sleep because of the sick babies 

--And they ultimately had to track down a pediatrician to call in a steroid prescription from three states away

--The second-to-littlest G started calling everyone "Poop Head" and just.wouldn't.stop

--Meanwhile, baby G, recovered from the heat, committed her first felony (Did you know that throwing shoes from a balcony in Florida was a felony offense punishable by law?)

--We had to be out of our condo at noon, even with late check-out, so we hung out at the pool for FOUR HOURS while we dared security guards via The Patented Hate Stare to kick us out 

--The local repair shop guy, who promised a ride from the condo to the repair shop to get our van, reneged, and BG had to pay $40 in cab fare

--BG didn't have the cash, so had to pay with his soul; only he didn't have one of those handy either

If it's true what Clark says, "Getting there is half the fun. You know that," it's DIY-staycations for the Gs from here on out!


  1. Oh, the misery! So sorry things went so horribly awry. :( There's a great family comedy film in there somewhere, though. Get cracking on that screenplay. ;)

  2. Oh wow. :D That blows goats.

  3. Oh my. My. My. Really, throwing shoes in a felony? Even if no one gets hit? ;-) I am so glad you made it home in one piece. I think next year, a staycation might (maybe) be safer. <3

  4. P.S. Which event didn't happen? Cal guesses the hour-long elevator wait. Surely it didn't take that long? We hope.

  5. Angie, unfortunately the elevator wait WAS that long. It was so horrible after the hellacious ride there. All we wanted to do was get up to our condo and chill.

    The one that didn't happen was the last one. BG did have the $40 in cash, and, as anyone who knows him can tell you... def no soul ;)

  6. Well, I AM a fiddle player. I think I lost the fiddle contest with the devil, so he has that golden fiddle AND my soul.

  7. Sweetie, just stay in NO next time. There are drinks! :) At least you got some cute pics!