It took a month of in-the-weeds analysis, but I've come to the conclusion that our yard is simply antagonistic.
You guys remember the poison ivy, right? That's just one of many invasive species we're up against. This weekend, BG attacked the dreaded yucca.
This plant is so evil--with its cruel toothed swords disguised as pretty sage-green leaves--it's been known to win in street fights. When BG's mom saw it, she practically sobbed in the foyer: "You HAVE to get rid of that plant! It MIGHT KILL THE CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!" Then she told me a story about how BG's childhood friend fell into the yucca at their home in 1982, and they were in panic mode for days, police tape roped around the perimeter of the dangerous Xerophyte as my in-laws waited to be sued. That yucca may or may not have met its fate in a cane field in rural Louisiana, leaves severed and root ball plotting revenge.
I don't play around when a plant threatens my family with death. Or litigation. That bad boy had to come out. BG manned up with my beloved hedge trimmers and a shovel and taught it a lesson in dominance. Now our kids can play in the shade of the pecan tree without testing their mortality.
*wipes brow in relief*